


A story sadder than sadness...

by JessKyuCriss



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Music, Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-08-09 18:49:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16455383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JessKyuCriss/pseuds/JessKyuCriss
Summary: Would you do everything it takes to make the dreams of the person you love come true? That´s what the famous singer Ash Lynx wonders when his composer  and best friend Eiji Okumura asks him to do something that seems impossible to him: to be happy with another person, a person who´s healthy, a person who can live with him and love him for a long, long time...





	1. 1

I met Eiji five years ago. We both worked in the same company and I had never noticed him because you know, a guy like him can be found anywhere. At least that's what I thought at the beginning and then it happened that afternoon when I would say that everything started.

Eiji, or that boy who at that moment did not have a name, was walking in the snow dragging a coat that wasn´t obviously designed for him but rather for a huge giant, something that Eiji wasn´t. His dark hair was covering his forehead, his cheeks were flushed because that day had been pompously called "the most fucking cold day in the history of the world" and in fact it was. Eiji was running, I didn´t know that he was one of the composers of my new album, I had no idea that he surely knew about me before we even met. Eiji had a blue velvet binder on his chest that almost matched the color of his hands, so cold they were. But in spite of his unfortunate aspect, despite the fact that I was dressed with my custom made coat and my leather gloves and it makes me find that boy ridiculous, I was surprised to see the smile on his lips, that kind of sincere smile that you aren´t used to see and that also goes unnoticed until something inside you forces you to see it.I still do not know what it was the cause which forced me to look at him that day.

Maybe it was destiny as he loves to say it was, or maybe it was just that the light hidden in that smile was too bright to ignore. Or maybe it was one of those strange moments when the stars align and put your feet where they should be. I do not know. All I know is that while I looked at that boy with a touch of pity and fun, a blizzard out of only God knows where, swept the earth making Eiji shudder, stumble and let his blue folder spill over the snow. I had the impulse to run towards him and I did despite the cry of my manager, the one who was walking with me.

I hurried to get by the side of the young man who was still smiling as he watched his sheets, full of musical compasses and scores that had surely cost him whole days of work, were moving away with the wind getting lost in the whiteness of the snow.

“Are you okay?” I asked him when I got to him, trying to understand how it was possible for his black eyes to shine so brightly, especially in days like those in which there were more shadows than light on Earth due to the heavy clouds that covered the sun.

“Did you know that music also has wings?” He told me, getting up from the ground, he was purposely ignoring my question.  “Who knows? Maybe someone needs it more than I do now and that's why those songs decided to take the flight, don´t you think?”

The boy started laughing. I watched him as I was wondering what on earth I was doing with that boy who was obviously crazy as a goat. Because the loss of his music really did not seem to matter to him, it seemed as if he was firmly convinced that the lost music would really reach other people, those people who needed it more than him.

“Did you hit your head?” I said knowing that I was sounding like an imbecile and even so, feeling the air escaping from my lungs when I have the chance to get lost in those impossible eyes which looked at me in a funny way.

"No, I didn’t  Ash," he said, causing the blood from all over my body to gather in my cheeks at the way that boy had said my name, "although my knee does hurt, and now my folder is empty so I will not be able to present you with the new list of songs I had written for you. They say you are demanding, and I really had written good things. Dude, I would not have been surprised at all if they gave us a lot of Grammys for this new album but, well ... I guess it's not your destination. Anyway, I'll talk to the bosses, they'll probably want to kill me but ... What can I do? No one can cut the wings of music, not even me.”

Eiji had lifted the folder from the floor and with resolute and calm manners, that kind of confident manners that even I don´t have -and I will never have- he went into the building of the record company where I had worked for more than five years back then. My agent approached me, he was really surprised by the exchange I had had with the young man.

“Do you know him?” I asked Shorter, my agent. I was feeling afraid suddenly, afraid of never seeing those eyes again. “He told me he was one of the composers of my new album.”

“One of the composers?” said Shorter, with a cheerful smile. “You mean _the one and only composer_. Max Lobo personally chose him, he's the best option in New York right now.

“The best?” I said opening my eyes with real surprise.  “Why does he look like a beggar then?” "Because he wants to annoy his father," said Shorter, laughing even more, "He is one of the heirs of the Okumura fortune, the older brother in fact. He does not live in his father's house, he goes through life doing what he wants. He resigned from Harvard business school and worked hard to pay for Julliard. He is the best composer in the world, Ash, although I must admit that he is somewhat clumsy.”

“Do you think so?” I said, without knowing why the life of a boy like that intrigued me so much. “So he´s the black sheep of the family ... I like it. Although Max and everyone are going to have a heart attack, he has just lost all the scores of the new songs.”

“Of course not”, said Shorter laughing even more. “He loves to cause scenes like this, for him the world is really a stage. Eiji Okumura wanted to tease you, Ash. Max Lobo and I have copies of those songs since weeks ago and they are really good.”

I smiled I never knew why I did it but knowing that Eiji would work with me made me immensely happy. Besides, it was true that I had liked him. Eiji reminded me a bit of my own spirit, that spirit that had made me become a singer of worldwide recognition even though my father wanted me to become a doctor as the whole family had always been. I kept walking next to Shorter who was still talking about Eiji and my heart beat happily when I got to the recording room and my eyes looked at the lanky boy who was playing a song by heart with his messy black hair dancing around him and his cheeks still red glowing.

The song sounded really good and Shorter told me later, it would be the first of my singles.I did not have to listen more than two seconds of the song to know that it was really a song that was worth gold. And I also knew that even though he had lost the scores that would not have mattered to Eiji because he carried that music in his veins so that he could never really lose it. The young man raised his eyes when he saw me enter the room and knowing that he had really managed to play me a joke, he smiled at me with apology, a smile that I responded with a funny air.

It's incredible, but even now I cannot forget that moment or the music that has wings.

I cannot forget his black eyes, or his voice telling me stories that always made me laugh. Eiji has lived with me for five years. Since that cold morning in which I met him, we have both been the best friends in the world. Ours is that kind of friendship that is more complicity than anything else. Eiji has no idea that I love him, or maybe he does but he always tries hard to pretend that he does not know. Even though he tells me a thousand times that all the love he needs is in his music, I could not help falling in love with him, but I have never told him and maybe I will never tell him because his friendship is all that matters to me.

And that's why I am now getting ready for my wedding. I´m choosing myself the dark suit I came to choose without him because Eiji was too weak to get up. Even so I'm worried about not choosing the right outfit, I've always been too neurotic with my appearance even though Eiji always says that I'm the most handsome friend he's ever had and laughs out loud when I tell him that's that way because I'm the only friend he's ever had.Any other person would have glared at me, but not Eiji.

Because he knows that the words I say are real, before me he did not have a real friend, at least not one as close as me. First, because families like his are too strict with the relationships that their heirs engage with other people and second, because Eiji has a strange disease that does not allow him to be an energetic and vital boy as he would like to be. In fact, that day, when he tripped in the snow, I had to take him to the hospital for a doctor to check him because the wounds that for anyone would be normal, for him they hurt a thousand times more.That time I spent the night watching him, singing the songs he had composed because among the incoherent words he spoke, I understood that the goal of his life had been to listen to one of his songs in my voice.

I have never asked him if he had said that seriously, but for five years he has not composed for anyone but me. After that night in the hospital, we have been the two most united people in the galaxy. The media have watered rivers of ink trying to decipher the relationship that unites us; they have married us secretly thousands of times, people has rumored about us. They suppose a lot of shit about both of us, they always asks me about him but nobody knows the truth: that I love Eiji and that I would do anything for him, everything that could make him happy. And that's why I'm going to marry Shorter Wong. People can accuse me of anything, but no one can tell me now that my future marriage is not an act of love, because it is in fact, the greatest act of love I have ever done in my whole life...  

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It does not hurt anymore...” I tell him and I'm not lying. “I really want to patent you as the only possible cure for my illness.”
> 
> Ash smiles and hugs me once more. He does not say anything and I also do not want to fill that moment with unnecessary words. This moment feels like the goodbye I will never want to tell him, it is like the inevitable goodbye that will happen anyway. But I do not want to think about that now, so I close my eyes and let myself be numbed by the caresses of Ash on my back and the warm and glorious feeling of having a kiss of his forever inside my soul...

II.

“Are you sure?” I ask Sing who is my doctor and my other lifelong friend.

His dark, slanted eyes look at me seriously before he starts speaking. I know he doesn´t want to say it, but it's his duty to tell me the truth. I feel a little scared, but it's not for me, for some time now the fear of dying has stopped being for me.

“The illness is advancing fast, Eiji”, he says with that serious and professional tone that doctors use when you're about to bite the dust. “At this speed, you aren´t going to be able to walk in two months, and two or three days after, the nerves of your thorax and your arms will stop working until...”

“Until my heart does the same “, I say and I accept that death sentence with all the elegance that I can. “Long story short, do you think I should choose a dark suit for my funeral? I have always believed that electric blue is the best color to wear at such events.”

"I'm not kidding, Eiji," he says patiently, he´s used to my lack of seriousness after all.

"Me neither, Sing," I say with a sad sigh, "To sum up, what you are telling me is that I have to leave my Ash alone...”

“Your Ash ...” says Sing smiling mischievously. “Why did you never say anything to him? You have wasted the last years of your life in a friendship that could be something else if you wanted to. It's no secret to anyone that Ash is in love with you and that you´re in love with him too.”

“My Ash deserves something else, Sing”, I say and I feel a deep pain in my chest, a pain that I always avoid feeling when thinking about what could be and will not be between Ash and me.  “I am not so cruel as to force him to be next to a person that has no remedy, a person that will not have a happy ending. I don´t want him to suffer. Why do I have to bind him to me when he can be next to a healthy, happy and strong person? No Sing, I will not. Ash has been the friendliest and warmest person I have ever met, I know that everyone thinks he is an insufferable and intractable diva, but he is not like that.”

“Only you know that, Eiji” says Sing with a sad sigh. “But I am also sure that Ash would not mind being with you until the end.”

“Until the end?” I ask with a bitter smile. “Two months are missing for that, I will not waste the little time I have watching Ash crying because he is the only person I want to see smiling all my life. I have not wasted anything, Sing, all the time I've had I've spent by his side, I've comforted him, I've seen him laugh and cry, I've slept hugging him when the pain is too much and he insists on taking care of me. Do you think that is a waste?”

“No Eiji, but you have also missed so many things that ...”

“I am protecting the heart of the person I love, the one I have loved, the person for whom I chose music or for whom music chose me, I do not know”, I say. “I'm going to make sure he's happy before I leave. Since I saw him singing in that mall, I've only had one purpose in life, remember? Do you remember when we both went to Harvard and he was just beginning his musical career?”

“Yes ...” says Sing putting in his eyes that sad look he seldom uses in his profession. “You told me that one day that all your music would be for that boy and that you would not compose for anyone but him because you were sure that he would make something magical with your music.”

“I've done it, Sing and Ash has made my music magical.”  I say feeling more excited than sad, “and I'll keep doing it until this stupid illness takes away what little I have left. I will not drag Ash to this, he will be happy, that´s all I really want...”

“And you?” says Sing beginning to lose patience. “What about you?”

“We both know what will happen to me, Sing” I say getting up from the chair, not wanting to continue talking about a topic that anyway, nobody will understand. “I will come next month, or you will go to see me, I do not know. Take care Sing, I'll call you if I get to feel worse.”

“But, Eiji...”

“I'll take the medicine at my hours, I will not make exaggerated efforts and I will sleep early.” I say feeling a little unfair with Sing's efforts to keep me alive. “This is not your fault Sing, you are the best doctor in the world but come on, we have to accept that this disease has more super powers than you, that's all.”

My friend smiles with a defeated air and with his right hand he makes an obscene gesture that makes me smile because Dr. Sing So Ling has always been the correct and well-educated of both of us. I go out into the street and the freezing cold of winter makes me feel chills. I wrap myself more tightly in my worn black coat, I could buy a new one if I wanted to, but that's the problem, I do not want to. My father has defrosted my bank accounts centuries ago, but I have not taken a single dollar from the Okumura family again. My sister has spoken several times with me to try to convince me to return to the security of our family's house, but I have not done that either.

People say that I'm being selfish and yes, that's what I do. The truth is that some time ago I decided that you do not need to have in your life people who turned their backs when your dreams were not up to theirs; you do not need the people who tried to destroy you rather than help you. Life is cruel enough for you to want to be surrounded by people who make you feel alone, completely alone.So, since my father said that I had died for him, I decided to take advantage of that blessed death to become exactly the person I wanted to be: a renowned composer and that's what I did, a composer is what I am now and that was not due to my family, no, it was all thanks to Aslan Jade Callenreese.

And although it was Ash Lynx who has always been pushing me to write all the music I've composed, the truth is that even though he gave me a goal, and more than that, the strength to fight for my dream, I know that I would have managed to compose even if I had never found him. But I found Ash and the stare and bright of his green eyes gave meaning to all those musical notes that were beating confusingly in the depths of my chest. The music had always been in me, but Ash shaped everything. Music already existed without Ash, but thanks to him, my music became beauty, the same thing happened with my life. Although winter comes every year, next to Ash is always spring.

While the icy cold colors my cheeks - something that Ash always mocks me with - it seems a bit cruel to me that my life ends just when the real spring will be more beautiful: surely the park will be full of flowers, sunny days and blue skies will be the scene of this city and I will not be there to see them, I will not be able to go to the park with Ash, nor see him smiling at my side while we both watch the flowers, while we both marvel at the change in the world and the photographers focus their lenses in our hands together or in our long silent walks through which the whole world will be saying again that we are the most talked about secret romance in history.

Romance ... Why does everyone insist on reducing my feelings to a word like that? What I feel for Ash, for my Ash, nobody will ever be able to describe it. Sometimes the word "love" also falls short. I love Ash but it is also something else, it is as if he were all the happy and happy feelings of the world to me. I love Ash in that impossible way that makes the world a more beautiful place even though you know it is not. I love Ash in that crazy way you could do anything for him, even sacrifice your happiness in exchange for his. I love Ash and I know that he loves me too and I know that everyone is wondering why I´ve never told him ... I do not know ... I guess that actions are always louder than words, I guess you did not have to say "I love you "a thousand times because it is what we both have shown to each other in the last five years.

Five years ... Why is time running so fast? When Ash's eyes were caught in mine, that snowy day, that day when I had finally achieved my goal of being the only composer in the musical life of Ash Lynx, I felt that time had finally stopped.The truth is that I wanted the world to stop spinning. While his worried eyes looked at me in that special way they did - Sing always says I exaggerate, but I'm sure he looked at me in a special way - I wished the earth would stop forever.

Have you ever felt such thing, the need to make time freeze because you have never been so happy in your life and you fear never to find a moment like that again?

But truth be told, maybe my wish did become a reality that day. Since Ash is here, since he offered to let me live with him because that way "we could understand each other better as a singer and composer" every day has been the happiest day of my life. And I have not let him see me suffer, I have not let him see me crying even though sometimes my body hurts like it's burning in a pile of flames that consume it, even though I notice how the degeneration of my nerves is more visible with each passing day, but in spite of that never until I was next to Ash have I been so happy.

That's why I sigh when I arrive at our apartment and the smell of rice and natto makes me smile. Ash knows that it is my favorite food and also he knows that I should not eat it but one of our favorite pastimes is to make Sing angry so ... "the hell with the diet", I tell myself and run to the room where my friend, looking beautiful as always, is waiting for me to eat by my side because Ash, like me, hates eating alone.

“What did Sing say?” he says, repeating the casual question that comes out of his lips every time I inform him that I have to go to the doctor.

“I am pregnant” I say making him laugh. “ We will be parents in autumn Ash, I told you that we should take care of ourselves.”

“Oh, my love!” He says getting up from the armchair to take me in his arms and caress my belly at the exact point where our supposed son to be should be. “You make me so happy! I did not expect it, the newspapers will have a feast with the news but they all get screwed, we will have a son!”

“Sing said they can be twins” I say making his face of a perfect husband transform into his face of _"stop saying stupid things that make me laugh more, I´m  trying to follow the game"._

"Double blessing!" He says, letting go of him and bending with laughter. "That explains your bad mood of the last days, Eiji. They must be the hormones."

“I suppose so...” I say, shivering with fear at the thought that he realized my seriousness, my taciturn walks around the house because of the pain in my legs and my arms. “Get ready for midnight cravings and no wild and hard sex for you in nine months...”

“Nine months?” He says choking on the pizza he had brought to his mouth because of course, he would never eat natto. “Bah! You have not let me touch you in five years, which reminds me ... Who the hell is the father of that son of yours, Eiji Okumura?”

Ash looks me in the eyes and for a second that becomes eternal, the pain of knowing that I will never see him again, that I will stop contemplating him paralyzes me. He does not realize it because then he breaks into a laugh and I go with him, what else can I do? I do not want him to see me cry for the inevitable, I do not want him to be sad himself because someone like Ash Lynx deserves only happiness. And that's what I should get for him, someone who can make him happy, someone to accompany him when I'm gone.

“Is it really all right, Eiji?” he says when we both stop laughing.  “Nothing new? How are those nerves behaving?”

"Great, Ash," I say, taking a piece of pizza between my hands. "Sing says I'm the best patient with spine-cranial degeneration and that I have the most hope of survival in history.”

“It must be thanks to my love and to my caring manners”, says Ash without knowing how true his words are, because without him, I would have given up to this disease since a long, long time ago.

“Yes, because of that and because we respect my diet every day.” I say making him smile again.

God, please keep that smile forever on his lips. Ash laughs and tells me about his day as he always does: the fights in the office, how well the recording of his new record goes and I remember said record is the one that celebrates his ten years as the absolute owner of all the stages of the world. I hear him speak, I do not want to say anything. I want to fill me with his voice, with his laughter, with the palpability of all the love he has for me and the one I have for him.I look at him trying to memorize the exact tone of his white skin, I try to imagine how many shades a painter would have to mix to match the exact color of those green eyes that look like a field of dewy grass when they smile and become deep and thick like a dangerous forest when filled with rage or sadness. Those eyes, Ash's eyes are all the memory I want to take with me when the paralysis reaches my chest and my heart stops, surely, whispering Ash's name for the last time.

“What is the greatest wish of your heart?” says my friend with a cheerful smile to which I respond with another equal so that he doesn´t notice that I have not listened to him for a long time.

“That you find someone who loves you and that you are happy with him.” I say without thinking, without being able to avoid noticing that a shadow of sadness clouds his emerald-colored eyes. “And being the best man of your wedding, of course.”

“I will not be able to fulfill that desire”, Ash says trying to make his voice come out without so much sadness.

“Why not?” I say a little confused. “And why would you want to fulfill it anyway?”

“I was telling you that it will be the subject of my anniversary party, stupid you.” Ash says, recovering a bit of his spirits, I can say that because he is already calling me stupid. “You were not paying attention, were you? The crazy woman who is organizing the party believes that being the recognized singer that I am is the greatest desire of my heart, she does not really know me.”

“Really?” I say, because I also would have thought being a famous singer was Ash´s greatest desire despite knowing him.

“No Eiji, I have another dream even bigger than that, but ... well, it does not matter.” He says with a deep sigh that makes me alert. “And by the way, I cannot fulfill your biggest dream because number one, I doubt to find someone who wants to marry me and number two, the only person with whom I want to marry, could not take the place of the groom and the best man at my wedding at the same time.”

I stay serious for a moment. He has not stopped making insinuations like that since always, but today they seem more painful than all the previous ones. Because I know and God knows that if I were a normal person, that if I were an ordinary kid with normal fears and dreams I would have thrown myself into the arms of my best friend since thousands of years ago without caring about anything other than being by his side . But I’m not a normal guy. I have a death sentence inside me that could only harm him.

_No Ash, I cannot be with you, not like that. No, because you are the only person I would hate myself for if I hurt you more, if I cause you a harm that is not necessary anyway_ _._

"Then I'll help you find someone like that and end of business," I say, making him exhale with a weary air, "and in fact it would not be that hard. Have you noticed how Shorter looks at you?" God, Ash! I almost want to censor his depraved thoughts when he sees you...”

Ash laughs in spite of everything and I notice how the tension that the last words have left fades with the cadence of his lips breaking to laugh and then I realize that if I want to maintain that smile I must hurry. I must make an effort, I must make him stop thinking about me, and I, I must leave everything in order.

The meal passes quietly after that talk, we both now lie on the floor of the room, sheltered the two with a soft blanket as we watch the great game of the super bowl. It  is very cold and being next to my best friend is the only thing that saves me from crying like a baby because my legs hurt, it hurts a lot. Ash screams, cheers, gets excited. Ash is happy and I, without being able to avoid it, knowing that I am doing something very selfish, I hug him because suddenly the fear of not seeing him again has become huge and my legs hurt like hell and I have to hold on to something.I have to hold on to him. I have to embrace him with all my strength because in two months I will not be able to do it and now the idea of dying seems to me something terrible.

I do not want to die I want to stay with Ash forever, that's what I want. I fight against tears with all my strength but the knot tightens more in my throat when he forgets the game and hugs me too. His eyes remain fixed on mine, trying to guess what is happening to me.

"Does it hurt a lot?" He says, and begins to stroke my dark hair.

“You have no idea how much” I tell him thinking about my heart more than in my legs.

He smiles sadly and without ceasing to caress me, still looking at me with those eyes where he could hide the universe if he wanted to, he brings his lips closer to me. I've never allowed him to go that far, I've never let him kiss me even though I'd killed for a kiss from him. But now, now that I know I do not have much time, those things seem to stop mattering to me because I put my face close to him and let him kiss me.

First his lips crash into mine sweet and soft, a little cold even though we have been wrapped up in that blanket for more than two hours and then, they are desperate, Ash´s lips are looking for a way inside me, letting me know that he did not lie when saying that I am the only person with whom he would like to spend the rest of his life and I know it, I know it but I do not have a "rest of life" that can be used to make him happy.

I let that his kiss fills me with strength, that his kiss makes me see stars. His kiss makes me moan, it makes me wish never to stop kissing him. I let his lips caress mine, I let the kiss go on until I run out of air and then, in a moment of sanity, I move away from him. He looks at me guiltily and I shake my head, letting him know that I'm not complaining or regretting what happened.

“It does not hurt anymore...”  I tell him and I'm not lying. “I really want to patent you as the only possible cure for my illness.”

Ash smiles and hugs me once more. He does not say anything and I also do not want to fill that moment with unnecessary words. This moment feels like the goodbye I will never want to tell him, it is like the inevitable goodbye that will happen anyway. But I do not want to think about that now, so I close my eyes and let myself be numbed by the caresses of Ash on my back and the warm and glorious feeling of having a kiss of his forever inside my soul, my soul that, as everyone says, will be immortal, immortal as the memory of this kiss, this heat and the company of Ash that make me think that in a strange way, everything, everything will be fine...


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Eiji ...” I whisper on his lips. “Just once, Eiji ...”  
> “Only once, Ash ...” he says and my heart gets excited without being able to avoid it. “Make love to me just once, but be sure you´ll make it last forever.”

“You are the most fucking perfect groom in history.”  Says Eiji when he sees me parading around the room with the suit that I´ve just chosen some hours ago.

My friend smiles calmly and I try not to have my heart broken by looking at how fragile he has got in the last days. He has stopped walking for two weeks now, so now he uses an elegant wheelchair that his sister or his father, who come to see him more often, brought back a long time ago. It is not that Eiji can no longer walk, but he says that he is saving his energy for the great moment, which in his language means, the moment he himself handed me to Shorter at the aisle.  

I sigh again at the thought of that wedding and I cannot help shuddering as I contemplate how weak my friend is now: he has lost weight because sometimes the muscles in his mouth refuse to cooperate, preventing him from eating. His dark hair doesn´t shine either, Eiji is dying before my very eyes and I cannot do anything to avoid it, nothing, except to fulfill that dream that he told me would be the only way to make him happy.

Because that's why I'm getting married, there's no other reason. That night, the night we shared a first kiss that I also felt as the last we would have, I came to think that finally Eiji would agree to be with me as something else. I foolishly thought that we finally would be that happy story that I had always wanted for both of us. But it was enough to hear just three minutes of the conversation he had with his sister afterwards to realize what the reason for that kiss was: the fear, the sadness, the horrible and scary fact that Eiji was dying and that he was trying to save me from the pain of telling me the truth, saving myself, when the only one who was terrified was him.

That night I felt the pain split me in two. I went out with just a light jacket when it was really freezing but I wanted to run away. I wanted to run away from everything, from the unfairness of the world, from the implacable and thirsty death who was being so mean with that small and beautiful boy who had committed no crime but being born. I cursed the universe, I cursed God, I was sure that if a God existed, it would never have done such a thing to Eiji, to my Eiji, to the only person that in all the history of my life had shown me how real love can become.

But  the only love of my life was going away,  he was being consumed and  I could never make him happy because the only thing he didn´t want was to see me sad. It was at that moment when, covered in frost, frozen to the bone, I returned to our apartment and found Eiji asleep in his room with his cheeks covered in tears and my blue and old college sweatshirt pressed to his chest.

I stayed there a long time, I watched him sleep and the image of his chest rising and falling rhythmically reminded me that he was still there, that he did not have to say goodbye yet and then I swore that he would make his dream come true, his dream of seeing me happy next to someone else, just to get him to leave the world alone, without worrying about me, without fearing that I was sad.

I invited Shorter out the following week after that, he did not refuse. In fact, Eiji's observations were more than justified because the person who had been my agent for ten years was totally and completely in love with me, but he had never said anything to me because it was more than obvious that the owner of my heart was Eiji. I tried not to flinch when I heard that. I did not tell him I was doing that precisely for the sake of the person I loved. I did not tell him that Eiji was dying and that his rejection all those years had to do precisely with that condition, that he did not want to tie me to the side of a sick person that would end up leaving me wounded. I told Shorter that it was time to get over that, that it was time to settle down and that seemed to please him.

Sometimes I feel like a liar and a coward for doing something like this, but when I look at  him and I see the light in Eiji's eyes, when I look at him going around me saying that I am the most handsome future husband in the universe and that I will be extremely happy next to Shorter because he's an amazing person, I feel at peace because I'm doing this for him, to make the trip easier for Eiji. I´m doing this in order to help him believe that I will be happy without him when the truth is that when he leaves something inside me will die too.

“I brought you something” I say to chase away the knot in my throat. “You know, I cannot be a decent groom without a stunning best man by my side, right?”

Eiji smiles and looks into my eyes with his tear-filled ones. I get scared a little when he starts to cry, but then his lips smile and his expression becomes luminous and colorful like a rainbow. I put the dark suit box on Eiji's legs and he caresses the cloth while smiling.

“Shorter is very lucky, Ash”, he says without ceasing to cry and smile. “You will be very happy by his side and he will also be happy by yours. Please, be very happy my Aslan Jade, be as happy as you can be, for you and for Shorter.”

"And also for you," I say, beginning to tear a little. "I'm going to be happy for both of us.”

“Ash ...” he says not knowing what else to say.

“Do you want to try it on?”  I tell him smiling with fake emotion. “I thought I knew your size, but you have gained so much weight in these months. How many pounds have you gained my love? Are our twins to blame?”

“Our twins are your fault, you idiot” he says smiling more energetically. “Give me that suit, I'll look a thousand times better than you.”

Eiji laughs and gives me an affectionate blow on the shoulder while with my help, he begins to undress. It's unbelievable but tasks as small as that suppose Eiji a huge effort, so forgetting my pain I help him get into the black suit that makes him look a thousand times more beautiful despite the pallor of his face. My best man ... I would have given half my life to be able to join my life to Eiji's forever. I would have given half of my life in exchange for having a few more days with him by my side. Only a few more days, just that.

My friend smiles when I take him to the mirror and the brightness of his dark eyes comes back when he gets up next to me and we both look at each other in the huge mirror of the room. We really look well. In fact, we now look like a newlywed couple leaving their ceremony for their wedding party.

“Wait a moment” I say to Eiji who nods and smiles and stands for a while longer although it takes all the effort of the world.

I run to my room in order to get the instant photo camera that one of my sponsors gave me some time ago and then I hold Eiji by his arm so I can capture that image forever. I take the picture and Eiji laughs when he sees the paper coming out of one of the ends of the machine, amazed as always by the little things like that. When the image is fixed on the paper, I show it to Eiji and he smiles with some sadness, also with longing, with the same longing that you can see in my eyes, the longing that this image was more than an image and was the true memory of the eternal union of both of us.

"I, Eiji Okumura, I accept you, Aslan Jade Callenreese as my beloved husband and I promise to be faithful even though it will be difficult, because you already know how charming I am and I have too many admirers. I also promise to love you because what kind of fool wouldn´t be able to love you? I would also love to be with you in the good, in the bad, and even if you are going to marry another ... " he says and something inside my heart breaks even though he says the words with a smile. “That's what I seem to say in this photo, Ash. My words are not the best vows in history, but it seems that I told them to you with real love, don´t you think? What would you have told me?”

“I would have told you: I, Aslan Jade Callenreese, I accept you Eiji Okumura as my beloved husband and I will never think of being unfaithful because since I looked at you there was no one else . I don’t care about your fans, how can we deny them that you are beautiful? I promise to love you because that is what gives meaning to my life, I did not know the meaning of that word until I found you, and I promise to make you happy until your last minute on earth, even if that means I have to marry someone else.”  I say and Eiji caresses my face with sadness. “Truth ne told my vows are better than yours.”

“You are better than me in every single way, Ash” he says and leaves a soft kiss on my lips. “That's why you deserve to have a happily ever after…”

A happily ever after.

I would like to cry like a madman but I cannot. The only thing I do is forget the photo, I forget everything and I bring Eiji's face closer to mine. He makes no attempt to stop me. It's the only thing we have left, the only thing we'll really have because my wedding is tomorrow and Eiji will not be here in a few days. So I cling to his face, to his eyes contemplating me not with fear, but with the same acceptance that is in mine.

“Eiji ...” I whisper on his lips. “Just once, Eiji ...”

“Only once, Ash ...” he says and my heart gets excited without being able to avoid it. “Make love to me just once, but be sure you´ll make it last forever.”

Without waiting for more, I take him in my arms and as if we were really a newly married couple entering his bridal chamber, I let him rest on my bed. I undress him slowly, still looking into his eyes as he tries to take off his shirt with awkward gestures. I hear that he begins to pant when my long and well-formed body is left without any clothing to cover it. I lean in front of him to kiss him sweetly and I feel his fingers tracing the skin of my sides, stopping playfully on my hips, down directly into my crotch where my penis seems to grow with the mere idea that it is Eiji who is touching him.

“I´ve always wanted to do this” he says, caressing me slowly and still, making me feel turned on despite the sadness that is still in the room.

“Of course you´ve always wanted to do it, fucking pervert”, I tell him and he laughs, Eiji laughs with that energetic sound for which I fell in love with him, that laughter in which he lets you know that nothing matters to him because in that moment he is more than happy. I am making him happy despite everything.

I kiss him again and I start to undress him myself, I know how difficult it is for him. Eiji smiles in the middle of our kiss and I caress the soft skin of his arms, the hardness of his pectorals. I touch Eiji´s skin as he was a precious gift from heaven and I cannot conceive the idea that in a few days that skin will be cold because now it is warm under my hands. The cold of winter begins to move away, like the sadness that threatened to make us cry recently, but now there is no place for that.

Not now that I lie on the bed with Eiji's naked body on mine, feeling his lips tied in a battle with mine, his tongue caressing mine as I always wanted him to do and his warm skin merges with mine as if we were one. My lips are biting the skin of his neck, and his hands, tangled in my blond hair are now in the place where they should have always been: all over my body.

And maybe we're just one now. And this union goes beyond the carnal union, it seems as if our souls are making love, creating love. Eiji moans and I leave him on the white blankets of my bed to let my lips taste the salty and musky taste of Eiji's skin. I let my lips slip through his body, I kiss him, I bite him, I taste him trying to order my mouth and all my senses to make a faithful copy of every sensation, every beat, every time Eiji pronounces my name asking me to not stop. I keep on sucking his nipples like that, I keep on licking his skin as if I wanted to send death away with the power of my love and heat. It is as if my hands could really make this night, from these caresses a reflection of eternity.

And the moan that escapes from his lips when I touch his dick, sounds like glory. Maybe we both have died now, maybe nothing can separate us at this moment because only life can die, but we are not just life. We are love. I know it because Eiji caresses my hair, he makes his fingers get lost in my blond hair and he guides my mouth deeper towards his penis which leaves traces of its taste on my tongue that clings to the marked vein of that site. And I know that as long as I remember this afternoon, Eiji will not leave, I do not want him to leave, please, please somebody please make that Eiji could stay with me forever.

My mouth licks Eiji's cock in desperation and I hear him gasping, breathing raggedly. His small and weak body forgets the pain at this moment and gives himself up to pleasure. I am touching myself with despair, while Eiji's eyes open and they look at me asking me to stop. His eyes are telling me that thus time which will be the first and the last for both of us should end like a normal wedding night should do it: with me inside of him, with the two united beyond the soul and the flesh, united forever because even though I know he will die nobody can kill the part of a person who stayed to live in you. And Eiji will live with me always, that's what he will do.

Devoting one last lick to his erect cock, I climb back up Eiji's body. I don´t stop for so long in his skin, I want to reach his mouth. He smiles and hugs me tightly, he does not want to leave me either. I let our penises gently caress each other while he clings to my neck and my lips do what they want with his.

Oh, Eiji, my beloved Eiji, why did we have to meet if you were going to be parted like this? Why did you come in this way, flooding myself with yours if your days in my life were limited?

Eiji seems to feel the questions in my kiss, because he separates his lips from mine and looks me in the eyes. The afternoon sun pours through the room making his eyes shine in the last light of twilight.

“I do not know, Ash” he says as if answering my question. “Maybe I only came to you to make you happy at this very moment.”

“You always made me happy” I say with a ragged breath.

“Then don´t regret anything and love me” he says. “Love me  this way and I promise you that I will never leave you alone, don´t  stop loving me Ash, I won´t  stop loving you either.”

“I love you, I love you Eiji” I say trying not to break to cry again. “You will always be the love of my life, always.”

“And you will be mine, Ash” he says caressing my cheeks. “You will be the love of my life and also my love beyond death...”

I kiss him one more time and focus on his skin. I get away from him for a little just to sit on the bed with his small body in my lap. He caresses my penis with anxiety, asking me to make it mine, to make love to him, to love him no matter how brief our love will be but ... Did not a poet ever say that eternal loves are always the shortest?

I reach for the bedside table and take out a tube of lubricant. Eiji takes it from my fingers and it is he who spills the cold and aromatic liquid over the length of my cock making me want to be inside him. My beloved Eiji smiles and without stopping to look me in the eyes, he leans on my shoulders to let his anus slide around my erection. I get into Eiji calmly, at his pace, his beautiful eyes close as his entrance is invaded by me, but he doesn´t release any sound that shows he´s getting so much pain. It does not hurt, this does not hurt because he knows real pain, he has always known it.

His hips clash against mine, Eiji looks me back in the eyes and intertwining his fingers to mine above the head of the bed, begins to move on top of me with all that energy that I had not seen in days. I watch him and I help him to push himself by placing my hands on his hips, I lift mine to reach him better. His skin is beaded with sweat, his hands are still attached to mine. We both get lost all the time in the sound of our moans, in the way he clings to me and I cling to him, with the body, with the soul, with the heart. In this moment of pure joy our hearts seem not to know thet they will get hurt again when everything is over.

Nevertheless there is no place here for sadness. I am inside Eiji, I feel the beginning of an unprecedented orgasm in the center of my body and when Eiji says it again, when he says again that he loves me and he comes all over my chest and tells me that he loves me, I know that somehow, when he is not here anymore, I will have to do no more than cling to this moment in order to cling to life and to the world in which the greatest love of my life will not kiss me again or caress me the way he is doing now…

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I suck at smut so... I will leave this here and I´ll quietly dissappear...


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can assure you that pain, or winter, or even death, none of that lasts forever.   
> Only love is eternal, only love ...

IV. 

 

He walks by my side slowly, very slowly, Ash is holding my arm.  Before yesterday I would not have believed myself capable of doing this, but now I do. I walk next to my Ash, both dressed in black, both ready to know that we have found our place in the world and that after the afternoon of love we shared yesterday, we could not go anywhere else.

I look at him again and he smiles at me. He is ready too. It's strange but my legs are not shaking and the exhausting fatigue of the last weeks seems to have abandoned me. I feel so close to him, I feel him mine even though there are thousands of people there watching him, trying to capture this moment, the moment when he will join his life to the person he loves.

I smile too. The people who were in charge of planning the wedding really did a good job: everything is a masterpiece of beautiful flowers, fabrics, brightness, happiness. My soul seems to be at peace now, my heart beats quiet because I know Ash will be fine. The two of us, we'll both be fine and maybe, someday I'll see him again and then neither of us will have to do this, neither of us will go anywhere else.

The piano starts playing a slow melody, a very sweet one, the song I composed for Ash and his new husband. I smile at the thought of it, I smile because I actually wrote that song for my Ash but the others should not know. All what they will see, it will be a couple of friends feeling happy with life, sharing one more of those important moments that have the rare quality of happening only once.

And the violins join to the piano and the bass sound of the cello. And then, forgetting everything, knowing that another of my big dreams will come true, I start to sing next to Ash who keeps smiling at me, who will not stop smiling. And my voice sounds powerful and clear, as if I really were the happy best man of the wedding, the one who can run and sing, the one who will congratulate his best friend and wish him eternal happiness, and that's what I am. I'm so happy that's why my song sounds like it should sound and there's no failure in it while Ash and I walk to the altar where Shorter is waiting for him:

_All my little plans and schemes lost like some forgotten dream._

_Seems like all I really was doing was waiting for you._

_Just like little girls and boys playing with their little toys_

_Seems like all we really were doing was waiting for love._

_Don´t need to be alone, don´t need to be alone._

_It´s real love, it´s real._

_It´s real love, it´s real._

 

And it really is, this is real love. Because some farewells are also full of love, because letting go and seeing how Ash's hand is linked to his fiancé is also an act of love. I put my hand on the newly united hands of the future spouses and I smile at both of them wishing them all the happiness that this universe can give them. Ash gives me a deep look where he tells me he will try to be happy and I raise my eyebrow as if telling him not to be an imbecile. I ask him not to try, I ask him to simply let Shorter love him like I cannot, to let Shorter heal his wounds. I wish he let Shorter give him all that I could barely give him.

My friend smiles and when I let go of his hand, that hand I clung to last night with passion, I feel that I am also leaving all the best of me with him. Ash will always have me, nobody should doubt that, but I do not want him to pursue dreams that cannot be made real. I want him to have the real love that I talked about in my song, that kind of love that will make him smile, that will not make him cry.

I move slowly away from the altar and I stay standing in the first row of chairs, next to Max Lobo who is like Ash's father and all the friends of the music industry he has made in so many years of his career. I know that everyone wonders why the hell I am the best man and not the groom but that is something I don´t care about anymore. I watch my Ash smiling, I watch him saying his vows and I'm glad to hear him say he wants to be happy and make Shorter happy. I know he will take good care of it, I know that everything will be fine from now on.

The new husbands share a first kiss and I applaud with enthusiasm. I feel dizzy but I try not to fall. I stand bravely for the remainder of the ceremony, I agree to take a picture next to Ash and Shorter and then, afterwards, I feel the sudden need to go see Sing. I approach Ash who at that moment speaks happily with Nadia, Sorter’s sister, and without ceasing to smile I hug him again.

"Congratulations, Mrs. Wong," I say, and he slaps me on the shoulder and also gives me a murderous look that makes me laugh, it's always fun to annoy Mr. Lynx. “Seriously you're the most beautiful groom in history, Ash.”

“Shut your tongue, idiot” he says with a slightly sad look. “I could be Mrs. Okumura but...”

“Yes, you are not lucky enough for that” I say laughing funny. “Ash...”

“What's wrong, Eiji?”

“I do not think I could make it, Ash” I say and my friend knows that I mean his wedding party. “I feel very tired, maybe I should go home to sleep a little.”

"Are you feeling that bad, Eiji?" He says and I know from the look on his face that he is considering to tell me that he will call off his wedding party in order to go with me to the hospital.

"No, do not be stupid," I say, trying that he doesn´t get to notice the enormous pain I feel and that´s  rising up my legs and all over my chest. "I'm just going to see Sing, I'll ask him for more medication and if I feel really bad, I will stay in his little clinic. Don´t even think about leaving your wedding party, I know you'll only have three days of honeymoon, it's lucky that Shorter does not have a killer instinct. THREE DAYS? I would have killed you ...”

“You exaggerate as always, Okumura” he says and although he is worried I know that I have managed to make him forget the idea of suspending the party. “Go away, anyway nobody wanted to see the ridiculous scenes you cause whenever you are drunk.”

"Oh, poor people!" I say, making a superhuman effort to preserve my smile. "You will miss a quality show. Anyway, Ash, my dear Ash ... be the most fucking happy man in the universe, shall you?”

“I'll do that ...” he says and he hugs me hard and it doesn´t matter the fact that people have started to point out to us. “And you don´t go anywhere until I get back, okay?

“Promise” I say and I cling more to his body. “Now ... Do you want to leave me? I almost hear everyone saying that I am the first extramarital affair of your life.”

Ash smiles and releases me slowly. Before turning around, I grant myself the permission to lose myself in his green eyes once more and something inside my heart starts knowing that I will not be able to see them again but I do not say it.

"I'm sorry Ash, I'm really sorry” I think, “I cannot keep the promise I just made you."

So, wanting to keep him from looking into my eyes at the sudden revelation I've had, I turn around and go out to the street where Sing is waiting for me. His eyes look worried and I can barely reach his arms before I feel the strength in my legs leave me completely. I feel that the same heaviness that fills them is the one that is about to reach my entire body.

Sing says nothing, picks me up and takes me to the ambulance that has discreetly been waiting for me there, all the time. I look at the flowers in the garden of the huge venue where the party of Mr. Callenreese-Wong will take place and a smile remains fixed on my face despite the pain because after all, it is already spring.

My eyes close and my mind that is beginning to feel fear clings to the purity of that thought: it is spring, maybe I will not be able to see it again but Ash will see it, he will contemplate it with Sorter’s hand in his, Shorter will not let him stop smiling. Yes, maybe Ash would feel pain, but is not that inevitable anyway? Also, while I hear Sing screaming and I feel that my heart resists beating as if these days I had spent all the energy I had managed to gather, I can assure you that pain, or winter, or even death, none of that lasts forever.

Only love is eternal, only love ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Eiji "composes" is "Real love", I like the version Tom Odell did to this song.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People say that there is nothing more after this life but while the recording is repeated for the thousandth time in a row I know that after this life, there will be Eiji, always Eiji...

**V.**

"He left this for you," the doctor says with a sad smile that does nothing to cover the traces of the endless tears that he must have cried.

“Why?” I ask him, I try not to drown in the pain that covers me now.

"You knew he doesn´t have more than two months left, Ash" Sing says, “It was a miracle that he could make it through everything for more than that.”

“Why couldn’t you perform another miracle?” I tell him, I'm angry, I know I shouldn´t take it with Sing but I can´t help it.

I want to scream, I want to hit things, I feel exhausted, I´m destroyed.

Eiji cannot be dead, Eiji can´t have left me like this, no this way.

“Because there are things that are beyond me or anyone” says Sing with a sigh of exhaustion. “All I know is that Eiji tried to be happy for you until the end, don´t you know? Try to do the same for him. That´s the less you can do to honor his memory.”

Sing gives me a squeeze on the right shoulder and leaves, he´s leaving me alone on that bench in the hospital where Eiji died. Eiji died ... those two words have no meaning, they really do not. It cannot be possible because just a few nights ago me and him, both of us, we…

The both of us… That will never exist again? Is everything really over? My eyes begin to cry without asking my permission. It cannot be possible but it is and the sentence finally falls on my head leaving me empty, leaving me cold and oblivious to all the beautiful flowers of colors that Eiji liked so much, he loved spring as much as he loved music, as much as he loved me.

 He loved me, yes, he loved me.

I look at the object that Sing put in my hands and I cannot imagine what is inside the yellow envelope. I open it without ceasing to cry and I find an old tape recorder with a tape inside. I smile without being able to avoid it because only Eiji Okumura could have given me a gift like that, a last gift. I start the tape and my heart seems to split again when I hear his voice speaking to me from the past, his voice becoming present in the now in which he has ceased to exist. It's his usual voice: calm, cheerful, a soft piece of velvet that caresses my soul:

_"Is there anything else left for us, Ash? Is everything over here? I do not know, I really do not know Ash. Maybe death is like music, my music with wings that brought me to you. You are the most beautiful thing I ever had in the world.  Maybe I´m like my music, Ash, maybe somebody needs me somewhere else. Maybe the stars have little brightness and someone needs me there in the infinite to make them shine, I do not know. All I know is that I have to leave soon and you must believe me when I say I do not want to. "_

_"All I want to ask you now is to be happy, as happy as only you deserve to be, you were my best friend, and you were the only person I loved, I loved you Ash, I loved you even before I tripped with you that day when my music flew and you came into my life, do you remember? Do not get mad if I could not fulfill my promise to wait for you, I'm not as strong as you thought I was. My body hurt a lot, Ash, so much, that I almost missed the wedding of the year, but I did not do it, I did not because I knew you would not be happy until you told me how beautiful you could look as a groom you have to be happy now because you managed to leave me speechless at the sight of you wearing that black suit. You are beautiful, Ash, and beautiful like you It must be your life now. "_

_"I will not ask you not to cry, I will not ask you not to be sad because some tears and sorrows are necessary, and I will not leave you, I will always be there: in all the songs I wrote for you, in the memories of the happy afternoons we share. I´ll be in all the time I was part of you, I am part of you Ash, but I do not want to be a sad part. Just remember that beyond this world there must be another, I will wait for you there, but you must be brave now, you must fight to be happy and to continue filling the world with your music. In this record, not only do I leave you my voice, I also leave you more songs, sing them Ash, because I do not lie to you when I say that I became a composer so that your voice give life to my music. "_

"Go wherever you want to go and do what you want to do and you'll see that you'll meet with me some day. I'll be waiting for you in that other world where neither of us will ever cry again, I'll wait for you there and I watch that you're always happy. I know that heaven created me to love you, I was born to love you, and even though I am no longer there, that has not changed. Wait for me Ash, I will wait for you and when we meet again, you will see that all this pain will have been worth it because our love will become a star. I love you, Ash, never forget that I will continue to love you and that it will be so for all eternity ..."

The recording is finished and I play it again. I repeat it a thousand times until the evening turns into night and my eyes have run out of tears. Eiji's voice in my ears is all I hear for a long time and I feel that I have to stay in that garden forever, as if Eiji could get there, as if his promise could be real now and not within many, many years.

People say that there is nothing more after this life but while the recording is repeated for the thousandth time in a row I know that after this life, there will be Eiji, always Eiji...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was the end of this story.   
> I would like to read what you thought about it.   
> Don´t be shy and drop me a line, it woud be nice :)  
> Thanks for reading it to this point.

**Author's Note:**

> I know this one is pretty sad but I have just finished reading the damn manga and I´m destroyed in all the possible ways one can be destroyed so the only way in which I can recover my soul is by writting something as sad as the ending I´ve just read. Sorry. I hope you can enjoy this altough the sad content T.T


End file.
